13 clean jokes that always get a laugh, picked by Reddit

The clear favourite was the one-liner "You're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?", with 2,293 upvotes, almost twice as many as anything else. After that came anti-jokes about cows and light blue, the scuba diver who falls backwards, the snail mugged by turtles, and the pirate whose first love is the C.

Which one to use depends on who's listening. Most of these are puns that only work out loud, and a few that people posted as "clean" got called out by other Redditors, so we left those out.

Source: "What's a clean joke that gets a good laugh any time?", asked by u/FlingDaddy79 in r/AskReddit (828 upvotes and 225 comments when we read it on 8 November 2026). Upvote counts below are from that day.

Pick a joke for the room

The table sorts the jokes in this article by who you're telling them to. The "best for" and "how to tell it" columns come from what commenters reported when they told the joke, plus our own reading of it.

Source: the r/AskReddit thread, upvotes as of 8 November 2026. "Best for" and "How to tell it" are our reading of what commenters reported.

1. "You're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?"

The joke is the sentence itself. Read it as "shrimp fried rice" and it's a dish. Read it the other way and a tiny shrimp has been cooking. Because it works as a bare question with no setup, it does well in a group chat or as a reply to someone's dinner photo.

Suggested by u/psychoCMYK in r/AskReddit.

Other commenters added variants in the same pattern. u/alehansolo21 offered "You're telling me a ginger bred this man?", which is gingerbread man misread. u/latenightnerd offered "You're telling me a cis teen built this chapel?", which only works spoken, because "cis teen" sounds like "Sistine". u/uprate added "You're telling me a hand maid this tale?" One more variant about a Boston cream pie was called out by u/metalmaori as not clean, so we've left it out.

Variants suggested by u/alehansolo21, u/latenightnerd and u/uprate in r/AskReddit.

2. The anti-jokes: light blue, my foot, and the flock of cows

u/endbit's comment had three anti-jokes, where the punchline is simply the obvious answer. "What's blue but not very heavy? Light blue." "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot." Their favourite is for car journeys. You point at a field and say "Wow, look at that flock of cows." When someone says "herd of cows", you answer "Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them over there."

Suggested by u/endbit in r/AskReddit.

The cow joke depends on someone correcting you, and the replies show that can take a while. u/nonvideas said every time they tried it, people just said "oh wow yeah, cows." u/rogi_rog said they started using it when they began dating the woman who is now their wife. She only said "herd of cows" after about five years, they finally delivered the punchline, and now their kids correct them straight away. u/novax21 said they used it on elephants while working as a guide in Africa.

Experiences shared by u/nonvideas, u/rogi_rog and u/novax21 in r/AskReddit.

If no one bites, two commenters gave a backup with the same setting: the cows (or a scarecrow) are "outstanding in their field".

Suggested by u/pigheartedphil and u/zackusa54 in r/AskReddit.

3. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

"Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat." Ask it as if it's a genuine question, because many people have seen divers roll backwards and wondered why. u/muchadoaboutnotmuch said it's usually the first joke they tell new colleagues, so they know what to expect.

Suggested by u/noble_radon in r/AskReddit.

u/PerfectLengthUserNam added a follow-up joke: SCUBA stands for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, and TUBA stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Suggested by u/PerfectLengthUserNam in r/AskReddit.

Is the joke actually true?

Partly, and here the comments disagreed. u/PinkRosie_1 said that on their one dive they were told rolling backwards is a safety rule, because going forwards could rip off your mask and regulator. u/zoapcfr corrected this. Divers use several entries, and the backward roll is just the usual one from the side of a small boat. Bigger boats often use the "giant stride", a big step forward. Either way, you hold your mask and regulator with one hand. u/Tarogato added that many people step off forwards, though standing up in fins can be awkward.

Claim by u/PinkRosie_1, correction by u/zoapcfr, extra detail by u/Tarogato, all in r/AskReddit.

Diving training guides back u/zoapcfr up. Scuba Tutor calls the back roll "the entry of choice when entering from a small boat" and the giant stride the entry for "large boats, piers, pool decks". In both, you put one hand over your face to hold the mask and regulator. In the back roll, the other hand covers the back of your head to protect it from the tank valve. Costa Rica Divers gives another reason: standing up in heavy gear on a small boat that rocks is unsafe and can tip it. So the joke is roughly right for small boats.

4. The snail who was mugged by turtles

A snail is mugged by a gang of turtles. When the police ask if he got a good look at them, the snail says, "Not really, it all happened so fast." The laugh comes from the snail's idea of fast, so slow down and deliver his line with real shock.

Suggested by u/Dracoson in r/AskReddit.

Two replies keep the snail going. u/Extension-Math5183 pointed out that snails are actually faster with their shells, because otherwise they'd be even more sluggish. u/RayNooze asked what the snail riding on a turtle's shell says: "Wheeee!"

Follow-ups suggested by u/Extension-Math5183 and u/RayNooze in r/AskReddit.

5. A pirate's favourite letter

"What's a pirate's favourite letter? You may think it's R, but his first love be the C." This pun only works out loud, because the C sounds like "the sea".

Suggested by u/Visual-Lobster6625 in r/AskReddit.

u/MikeyNg suggested a set-up that makes the punchline land. First mention that a film was "rated R", so R is fresh in people's minds. They'll say R, and then you tell them about the C. Others in the thread said the pirate's favourite letter is really P, because without it he's irate.

Set-up suggested by u/MikeyNg; the P version by u/abdl_82, u/trubrarian and u/bravooscarvictor, all in r/AskReddit.

u/trashgodart's favourite was "What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey." They said it works better out loud in a good pirate voice. Some readers didn't get it, and u/Tarogato worked out why: it only works if you say "Aye" to rhyme with "pie", so "Aye matey" sounds like "I'm eighty". Some people say it to rhyme with "hay".

Suggested by u/trashgodart, with the pronunciation point from u/Tarogato, in r/AskReddit.

6. Before the crowbar, crows just drank at home

"Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home?" It's a one-line pun on "crowbar" with no set-up needed.

Suggested by u/chrughes in r/AskReddit.

u/NovelAmphibian replied with a second crow joke that works well straight after. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder, because a group of crows is called a murder. u/Stunning_Spray_2425 added that it's only attempted murder if there's probable caws.

Follow-ups suggested by u/NovelAmphibian and u/Stunning_Spray_2425 in r/AskReddit.

7. Grandad's last words

Several of the most upvoted jokes in the thread used the same set-up: what Grandad said at the end. u/mouse_Jupiter's version was "I'll never forget what my grandad said to me before he croaked. He said, 'Hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?'"

Suggested by u/mouse_Jupiter in r/AskReddit.

u/Steampenny suggested an order that holds the punchline back. Start with "the last thing my grandfather told me before he died", give the frog-impression line, then finish with "Then he croaked." That way the word "croaked" doesn't give the joke away early.

Rewording suggested by u/Steampenny in r/AskReddit.

Other versions from the same thread:

• u/cupidstunt01: the last thing Grandad said was "Stop shaking the ladder, you little..."
• u/TokensForSale: "When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car." They credited it to the comedian Jack Handey, and it is widely attributed to him (Quotes.net). u/jongscx said they'd heard it with a bus, a plane and a Niagara Falls tour boat instead of the car.
• u/titillatedocelot117: before Grandad kicked the bucket, he asked "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
• u/vronstance: "I wish I'd listened to what my grandfather used to say." "What was that?" "I don't know, I wasn't listening." u/SaltMarshGoblin said a near-identical line appears in Douglas Adams.

Suggested by u/cupidstunt01, u/TokensForSale, u/jongscx, u/titillatedocelot117, u/vronstance and u/SaltMarshGoblin in r/AskReddit.

8. Two muffins in the oven

Two muffins are baking in the oven. One says, "Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?" The other shouts, "Oh my god, a talking muffin!" The twist is that the second muffin is shocked by the very thing it's doing. Give it a startled voice.

Suggested by u/spasticjedi in r/AskReddit.

u/DustyScharole said they tell the same joke with two sausages in a pan.

Variant suggested by u/DustyScharole in r/AskReddit.

9. My small, sad dog who likes fruit

"Meet my small, sad dog who likes fruit. He's a little melon collie." Melon collie sounds like "melancholy", and a collie is the breed. It only works spoken, so in writing you'll lose half the audience.

Suggested by u/cyclingbubba in r/AskReddit.

Two more dog jokes from the thread work for children. "My dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Terrible!" And: what's a magician's favourite dog? A Labracadabrador.

Suggested by u/OriginalCopy505 and u/Icy_Wafer588 in r/AskReddit.

10. Fish and chips in the library

A man walks into a library and asks, "Can I have some fish and chips, please?" The librarian says, "This is a library!" So he whispers, "Oh, sorry. Can I have some fish and chips, please?" The second line has to be whispered, or the joke doesn't land. Fish and chips gives it a British feel, but it works anywhere people know you keep quiet in a library.

Suggested by u/stillill91 in r/AskReddit.

11. White sugar jokes are everywhere, but brown sugar jokes?

"White sugar jokes are everywhere. Brown sugar jokes, though? Demerara." This is the joke most likely to need explaining outside the UK. u/crackheart42 replied that they could tell it was gold but didn't get it.

Suggested by u/Shinkou-Kaze in r/AskReddit.

u/Delroc explained it: demerara is a type of brown sugar, and it sounds like "them are rarer". u/Express-Feedback described demerara as coarser and less molasses-heavy than standard brown sugar, close to turbinado but with bigger crystals.

Explanations by u/Delroc and u/Express-Feedback in r/AskReddit.

That matches the BBC Food description: a pale, mild raw cane sugar named after Demerara in Guyana, with "large sparkling golden crystals and a crunchy texture", traditionally used to sweeten coffee. If your listener has never seen it, show them the sugar bowl first.

12. What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 720p?

"HDMI!" Say it as "HD, am I?" in Yoda's back-to-front grammar. It's a pun on the HDMI cable.

Suggested by u/BananaOnStrike in r/AskReddit.

It started a debate in the replies. u/theswollengoat asked whether 720p still counts as HD. u/donny579 replied that 720p is HD and 1080p is Full HD. u/SerCiddy said that's the official standard, not opinion. u/MCplayer590 added that 720p often doesn't look like HD on streaming services because they use a lower bitrate, and a high-bitrate 720p video can look better than a low-bitrate 1080p one.

Debate between u/theswollengoat, u/donny579, u/SerCiddy and u/MCplayer590 in r/AskReddit.

The joke holds up. The European Broadcasting Union's HD format standard, EBU Tech 3299, recognises four HDTV production systems, and the first is 1280 × 720 progressive (720p). The other three are 1920 × 1080. So a 720p Yoda is technically HD. "Full HD" is the everyday name for the 1920 × 1080 picture.

13. The one the original poster answered: Switzerland's flag

"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus." The Swiss flag is a white cross on red, which looks like a big plus sign.

Suggested by u/Interesting_Ear3982 in r/AskReddit.

u/evasandor posted the same joke lower down. It's the only one the original poster, u/FlingDaddy79, replied to. They wrote "Fr", short for "for real".

Also suggested by u/evasandor, with a reply from u/FlingDaddy79, in r/AskReddit.

Sources we checked

Most of this article is jokes, which don't need checking. Three answers made factual claims, and this is what the sources say.

Sources: Scuba Tutor and Costa Rica Divers (diving entries), EBU Tech 3299 (HD formats), BBC Food (demerara sugar), Quotes.net (Jack Handey attribution). All read 8 November 2026.

What we left out

The thread had more than 200 comments, and we covered the most upvoted jokes that people agreed were clean. We left out jokes that other commenters said weren't clean (the Boston cream pie, the pirate with the ship's wheel, and the "well, actually" joke). We also left out a highly upvoted religious joke that commenters argued about, and jokes built on characters from films, because we can't illustrate those.

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