How to get over a breakup: what the research says actually helps

Why a breakup can make you feel lost

A breakup isn't only missing the other person. A 2010 study found that after a breakup, people's sense of who they are becomes less clear, and that loss of clarity predicted how upset they felt (Slotter, Gardner and Finkel). The lead author of a later study put it simply: becoming "psychologically intertwined" with a partner is painful to undo. Routines, plans and part of your identity were shared. That's why the steps below focus on rebuilding you.

Step by step

1. Let yourself feel it

   

   Sadness, anger, relief and confusion can all show up, sometimes in the same day. Friends may tell you to put it out of your mind, but the research in step 2 points the other way. Give yourself a few low-pressure days if you can.

2. Reflect on it, on purpose

   

   In a 2015 study, people who had broken up in the last six months either reflected on their breakup four times over nine weeks or only filled in a questionnaire at the start and end. The group who reflected recovered better, and the researchers traced it to a clearer sense of who they were as single people (Larson and Sbarra).

   Group in the 2015 study	What they did	Result
   Reflection group	Reflected on their breakup 4 times over 9 weeks	Recovered better, with a clearer sense of who they were
   Comparison group	Only filled in a questionnaire at the start and the end	Recovered less

   Lead author Grace Larson suggested weekly check-ins in a journal, or writing about the breakup "as though talking to a stranger about it".

   Reflecting is different from replaying. Ask yourself questions that move forward: what happened, what did I learn, what do I want now? If you're going round the same loop, stop and do something else.

3. Rebuild the parts of you that got put aside

   

   Larson's advice was to think about who you are apart from the relationship, and what you neglected while you were together but can now pick up again. That might be a hobby, a friend you saw less, a sport or a class. NHS Every Mind Matters also suggests making time to do something just for yourself.

4. Talk to someone you trust

   

   Finding someone you trust to confide in can really help (NHS Every Mind Matters). It doesn't have to be about the breakup every time. Time with people who know you as you is part of rebuilding your sense of self.

5. Catch the harsh thoughts

   

   Breakups can bring thoughts like "nobody will want me" or "I ruin everything". NHS Every Mind Matters suggests noticing unhelpful thoughts and swapping them for a neutral or realistic version, such as "this is hard right now, and it won't always feel like this."

If this doesn't work

• Weeks later, you still can't sleep, eat or get through the day: talk to your GP or doctor.
• You have thoughts of harming yourself: use NHS Every Mind Matters urgent support, or call your local emergency number if you might act on them.
• The relationship was controlling or frightening: a domestic abuse helpline can help, such as the National Domestic Abuse Helpline in the UK (0808 2000 247) or love is respect in the US (1-866-331-9474). The NHS says it's OK to leave a relationship that isn't right for you.