How to tell if a friendship is one-sided, and what to do: 13 steps

If you've started to wonder whether you care about a friend more than they care about you, that is a lonely little thought to carry around. Sit with me for a few minutes. We'll look at what is really going on, gently, and work out what to do next.

Priya has booked the 07:10 to London for the third time this year. Jess has never once come to Birmingham. Last month Jess cancelled Priya's birthday dinner an hour before, then sent a 40-minute voice note about her boss that same evening. When Priya's dad went into hospital, Jess replied with a heart emoji and a question about whether Priya was still coming down for her flat-warming.

Priya isn't asking for much. She just wants it to go both ways.

Friends are worth the effort. In a Relate and Relationships Scotland survey of more than 5,000 UK adults (fieldwork in 2016, published in 2017), 13% said they had no close friends at all, up from 10% in 2014 and 2015. People with no close friends were about two and a half times as likely as people with four or more to say they often felt down, depressed or hopeless (31% against 13%). So before you give up on a friend, or keep giving everything, it's worth checking honestly which way the effort is flowing.

Check the effort

1. Check who starts the conversations

   

   Scroll up your chat. If the last ten conversations all open with your message, notice that. Then try a small experiment: don't message first for a fortnight, and see whether they get in touch. Two weeks feels like a year when you're the one waiting, I know, but it tells you a lot.

2. Notice who does the travelling and the booking

   

   Priya's train tickets now cost more than her phone bill. If you always go to them and always pick the place, suggest meeting halfway, or ask them to choose this time.

   Try saying: "Your turn to choose! I'll come wherever you book."

3. Watch for a pattern of last-minute cancellations

   

   Everyone cancels sometimes. Life happens, and you can't always know what someone else is dealing with. But last-minute cancellations again and again, with no new date offered, are a pattern. Ask what's going on before you assume the worst.

4. Notice who remembers whose news

   

   You know their boss's name and when their dentist appointment is. They forgot your job interview. It is fine to want to be asked. Stop sending reminders of your own news for a while, and see whether they ask.

Listen to the conversations

5. Check whose week gets talked about

   

   If you could leave a two-hour dinner without saying one thing about your own week, the balance is off. Next time, jump in, kindly.

   Try saying: "Can I tell you about my week? I've got a lot going on too."

6. Notice when they call

   

   Advice on a break-up, a lift to the airport, a CV check. If the phone only rings when there's a favour attached, start noticing what you get back.

7. See how your good news lands

   

   You got the promotion and they changed the subject. Relate's advice on one-sided relationships, written about couples but just as true for friends, points out that the other person may simply not know what you expect from them. So tell them what support looks like for you. "A quick 'well done!' would have made my day" is not too much to ask.

8. Notice what you've stopped telling them

   

   When Priya's dad was ill, she told Kwame from work before she told Jess. If you're quietly editing out your worries, the friendship has stopped feeling safe, and that matters more than who paid for brunch.

Listen to your feelings

9. Pay attention to relief when they cancel

   

   If you feel relieved rather than disappointed when plans fall through, that feeling is information. Our guide on how to fix a friendship, or end it kindly covers what mixed friendships can do to you.

10. Treat your tally as a clue

    

    Counting who paid, who called and who travelled can feel petty. It usually means you've felt short-changed for a while. Don't scold yourself for keeping score. Read the score.

11. Try saying no once

    

    Writing for Relate about people-pleasing, counsellor Ammanda says healthy relationships meet some of our needs most of the time, in a mutual ebb and flow, and that pleasing someone is lovely, but only when it's reciprocal. She is writing about partners, and it fits friends just as well. Saying no once is a gentle test of whether the friendship can take it.

    Try saying: "I can't come down this month, but I'd love it if you came up here."

Before you decide

12. Tell them how it feels

    

    Relate says feeling that a relationship is one-sided doesn't necessarily mean the other person cares less. Its advice: set aside a time to talk rather than raising it when you're already upset, make it a conversation and not an interrogation, listen as well as talk, and use "I" phrases about how things affect you.

    Try saying: "I miss you, and lately I've felt like I'm the one holding us together. Is everything OK on your side?"

13. Let their answer guide you

    

    They might apologise and step up. Or, as Relate puts it, you may find they simply see the relationship differently, which hurts, but is better than not understanding at all. Either way, NHS Every Mind Matters suggests keeping in touch with other people and joining a group, so one quiet friendship doesn't turn into loneliness. Our guide on how to make friends as an adult has a plan for that.

    Priya joined Kwame's book club. And Jess, it turns out, is coming to Birmingham in January. She has even bought her own ticket.

One-sided friendship at a glance

Source: Relate, Loneliness is rising: 1 in 8 adults have no close friends (1 March 2017), I feel like my relationship is one-sided, and Ask Ammanda: How can I build healthy boundaries in my relationship?; NHS Every Mind Matters, Loneliness (all read 11 November 2026). "Our suggestion" rows are our own advice, not a quoted source.

One-sided friendship check

• They get in touch first at least some of the time.
• They ask about my life, and remember the answers.
• They've shown up when I needed them, not only when they needed me.
• I can say no without fearing the friendship will end.
• I've told them honestly how I feel.

Mostly true? It may just be a busy patch, so talk it through (step 12). Mostly not? Protect your energy, and read how to fix a friendship, or end it kindly.

When it's more than one-sided

• If a "friend" threatens you, controls your money or uses your secrets against you, that is not a friendship problem. Tell someone you trust.
• If loneliness is weighing on you, Samaritans are on 116 123, free and open day and night in the UK and Ireland. Silverline has a free 24-hour line for people over 55 on 0800 4 70 80 90, and The Mix supports under-25s on 0808 808 4494 or by texting THEMIX to 85258.
• If you are in danger, call 999 in the UK, 112 in the EU or 911 in the US.

Your turn: have you ever told a friend it felt one-sided? Did they step up, or step back? Tell us in the comments. Someone reading is probably booking another train right now.