How to control anger before it controls you

2 min read · 8 steps · Updated 3 October 2026

Anger is a normal reaction to being treated unfairly, threatened, disrespected or blocked. It becomes a problem when it comes out as shouting, sulking, breaking things or violence, or when you turn it against yourself. The aim is not to stop feeling angry. It is to choose what you do with it.

This is general information, not medical advice. If the problem keeps coming back or affects your daily life, speak to a doctor.

Step by step

1. Learn your warning signs

   Anger shows in the body first: a faster heartbeat, tense muscles, clenched fists, a tight chest, feeling hot. Noticing these early gives you a few seconds to act before you say something you regret.

   Done

2. Count to ten

   It sounds too simple, but the first surge of anger passes quickly. Counting to ten, slowly, gives the thinking part of the brain time to catch up.

   Done

3. Breathe out slowly

   Breathe in through the nose and make the out-breath longer than the in-breath. A few slow breaths lower the heart rate.

   Done

4. Step away

   If the situation allows it, say that you need a moment and leave the room. Walk around the block. Come back to the conversation when you are calm.

   Done

5. Say what you need, calmly

   When you return, describe the problem and what you want, without accusing: I was upset because the appointment was changed without asking me. Sentences that begin with you always start the next round.

   Done

6. Burn off the tension

   Running, swimming, cycling or a fast walk use up the energy that anger produces. Yoga and other calm exercise help with the tension that builds up over a day.

   Done

7. Talk about what is underneath

   Tell a friend, a relative or a doctor what is upsetting you. Anger often sits on top of stress, worry, exhaustion or old hurts, and it shrinks when those are looked at.

   Done

8. Do not feed it

   Alcohol and drugs lower the threshold for an outburst. So do too little sleep and too much caffeine. Do not go over the same grievance again and again, and do not try to change everything at once.

   Done

Good to know

See a doctor if you cannot control your anger, if self-help has not worked, if you have been violent or are afraid you might be, or if you have felt low for more than two weeks. Anger management programmes and talking therapy are effective.

If someone else's anger makes you feel unsafe at home, that is not something to manage alone. In Germany the helpline Violence against Women is free on 116 016, in many languages, and men can reach the Hilfetelefon Gewalt an Männern on 0800 123 9900.

Related: how to deal with stress, a breathing exercise to calm down and how to fall asleep faster and sleep better.

If you are in immediate danger or thinking of harming yourself or someone else, call the emergency number now (112 in the EU). In Germany the Telefonseelsorge is free and open around the clock on 0800 111 0 111.

In short: Notice the body signs, count to ten, breathe out slowly, step away, come back and say calmly what you need. Exercise, talk about the cause, go easy on alcohol.